welcome to my world.

and there she goes...

Life is as sweet as a watermelon.(:

It was extremely nice outside yesterday, but today its shitty.  It’s warming up and i go on vacation with my best friend in 37 days!  I’m unusually happy lately.  I’m single again and at the moment happy about it.  I dont want a boyfriend now, and deffinatly not my exboyfriend or anyone else I’ve ever had anything with.  And let me just say that I am NEVER EVER wanting a massage from a male, always turns out bad.  Hahaha.  But its all cool.

I have to leave soon to take Amanda to her vocational meeting in South Haven at their school.  I called one of my old friends for directions and he told me how to get there…but I forgot already.  whoopies.

“I’m going crazy cause there are things in the streets I don’t believe so we’ll pretend it’s alright and stay in for the night oh what a world I’ll keep you safe here with me”

part 2

fuck boys.
fuck ‘men’.
fuck penises.
fuck everything male.

i hate boys at this point, and i hate hypocrites.  I dont know why I’m fucking putting up with this or dealing with you when all you do is piss me off and all i do is piss you off and all we do is fight.  Whatever, I’ll never be able to break up with you and stay that way, haha.  Well atleast not for now.

Goodnight.

we knew it'd happen eventually.

ive lost the habit of updating this often, whoops.  Its not like anyone reads it anyways that doesnt already knew whats going on, hahaha.  And i need someone to take out my ability to overthink things when I’m bored, becuase it’s getting bad.

So, where to start this thing off, I spent the weekend in Lafayette with Tessa.  Fun times, but I made a mistake and I feel bad.  If you want to know what it is, that sucks becuase I’m just trying to forget it.  Speaking of forgetting things, I’m trying my hardest to forget some part of my summer, and someone from my past becuase all he does is make me pissed off, hahah.  It’s not going very well, its kind of difficult to forget someone that was very important to you at a time.  But it’ll deffinatly be worth it.  Theres also a few unfortunate things that remind me of this bastard, but my recent life has gone back to normal after changing it for him.  Good.  Never ever again will I chnage for a boy, not fucking ever worth it.

Ive noticed that my friends, one in particular, is becoming more obsessive and fucking mean than ever, and i fucking hate it.  If youre reading this, dont fucking swear at me ever again or ever relate that stupid bitch friend of yours to me, its fucking pisses me off, and youre starting to too.

IN A LIGHTER NOTE, ahaha.  The new A Day to Remember CD comes out on tuesday, but i decided to be a bad person and search for the leak, found it!  Fucking amazing CD and it will never leave my CD player, hahaha.

“and why’s this make me so nervous, you make me so, you make me so, and why does everything go wrong?”

life in text.

life lookin up, just for a second.  things are taking a few turns and i guess it’s for the better.  good, i need this.

so my best friend finally remembered the way to my house and decided to pay me a visit, thank god i missed this kid(:.  anyways speaking about friends ive noticed that the older you get, the less you have.  and the ones you have get closer, so i guess it’s a good trade-off.  you know trade-offs, like the ones you learn about in econ class, hahaa.  oh and boys, well gentlemen i am in the battle, you would’t understand.  but i dont see this lasting much longer, and i dont care enough.

eh, whatever.  i got nuffinz left.  except for the fact that someone should hire me.  please..now…please.

“and I don’t trust you cause every time you’re here your intentions are unclear I spend every hour waiting for a phone call that I know will never come I used to think you were the one now I’m sick of thinking anything at all”

i will never falter i'll stand my ground

Life is quite interesting right now, haha.  Its good and bad at the same time, you know what i mean?  lol.

First off, I’m about to get ass raped by some trees and four seasons and an ex-friend.  Fuck my life.  Why the fuck are trees like fucking $30?!  Ugh.  Seriously, like people suck.  Wouldn’t you just help me out becuase you know damn well that I don’t have any money and still done have a fucking job, and all you have to do is give me cheaper trees.  Yeah, speaking of that, I need a job, really bad.  Fuck ice and snow and my car and slipping and signs and trees and holes.  I hate this.  Just keep in mind, if you fuck me over with these trees I will get my revenge.  Ohhhhhhahahaha.   [:

So I finally decided to go up in my ears, now i’m at a 2 for my gauges.  And my parents finally noticed, shit.  I really don’t feel like taking these out.  Oh well if I do I’ll just end up [utting them back in over the summer, straight to 2’s…okay maybe not.  Lol.

It needs to be March.  My birthday and vacation combined will be the shit.  I need warmth outside and sunshine and beaches and pools and long blonde hair and hot boys, just to look at.  Hahaha.  Speaking of boys, once again I have forgiven John and we clicked again, lol.  But you male gender persons, you still suck.

I cannot wait till the weekend.  I need a break, and I’m so not excited for the next 2 days becuase finals are not my thing.  What the flying fuck.  Damn, life really blows haha.

“for once my eyes are open to you, and everything you’ve said for once your web of lies is in the open I gave you everything I had, until I had nothing left still you act as if I’m just a burden I’ve finally let go let go, let go stay silent at least for now, and let me move on cause I’m so done playing these games with my heart”

you see, it's kind of like this..

I don’t know exactly where to start this, but I can assure that it’s going to be a random rant that I probably shouldn’t do.  Whatever, get the fuck over it. 

First off, I am sick of the entire male gender.  You all suck.  I cannot and probably will not be ever to ever find a person who fits me and likes me for me, someone that isn’t fake around me and that I don’t have to change myself for them.  Someone that I can trust, and someone that actually cares.  You’re all fucking liars and I’m sick of all of you, yes ALL of you, even just my friends.  I still love my friends, but right now I’m having one of those over-emotional-girl-moments, like the ones you get when you’re drunk…but I’m sober, unfortunately.  Someone bring me a bottle of champagne, ugh.

I don’t like the winter.  It’s too cold and all of my snow was going into my boots today, grr.  I had cold toes, ]:.  It needs to by summer, 68 days till vacation with my family and Manda :D!!

My friends are the only things I have right now, and even though i sometimes hate you girlies and guys, I will always love you guys.  I’ve never been so dependent on people like you guys, you’re almost everything I’ve got now, haha. 

I took my extensions out and they’re going back in soon, as soon as they can.  As soon as I find the money to get them sewn in.  Oh and that’s something else I need…a fuckinggodddamn job!

“dying to meet you, so let’s mess around I’ve got an obsession of us getting down come just a little bit closer I just need permission so just give me the greenlight give me just one night I’m ready to go right now I’m ready to go right now we can go all night give me the greenlight I’m ready to go right now I’m ready to go right now”

a new year, a new life.

Everything is changing, and I sure as fuck do not like it.  I miss my old life and I miss how nothing mattered and how everyone got along.  But shit happens.  Friendships die, people change, and things don’t matter as much. and you just have to move on. 

Last night was Carawae’s last show, and one of the most upsetting nights I experienced in the past 2 years of knowing them.  I don’t know how to explain how much the people meant to me in that band, but they meant alot.  Hahaha.  I hate everyone that was crying at the show becuase you turned my water works on and I turned into a nigger (thank you mascara).  I guess I didn’t cry becuase the band is over, well yeah.  Those 4 (and ocassionly a 5th person) affected my life alot, and the 3 at the show last night have recently become some of my good friends.  If it wasn’y for this band I would have never met some of the people I have, and one of those people are now one of the most important people in my life.  It kills me to now know that the friendships i have established with these boys will never be the same, becuase they’re all moving away and now have more important things in life.  But I owe alot to those boys, and especially one (probably the only one to read this..haha).  Thanks for ebing there for me dudes.  I love you more than I can explain.

Oh yeah, and boys suck.  hahaha. 

Thats all for now, folks.

“and i’ll be just fine is you just stay here for a while and i’ll be okay if you just stay with me”

"lets pretend for the sake of argument that you follow through on a single solitarity thing you say"

Ohhhh after christmas days.  Usually theyre depressing becuase you dont have anything to look forward to anymore.  But I’m looking forward to New Year Eve/ New Years.  Fuck yessss.  And I guess my family party wasn’t that bad.  Its the only time I’ve actually enjoyed myself over there.  Haha.

I have something to say, girls who are complete bitches need to die.  Girls that are SO incecure about themselves and their relationships with friend / boyfriends / parents need to chill the fuck out.  Becuase its not fun or flattering or anything.  It’s obnoixious and just shows how easy it is to get to you.  So fuck off and settle down and get this thing called trust, a realtionship can’t work without it.  And speaking of realationships, I guess I’m in one.  Its werid, but I have no “officals” but John’s myspace says ‘in a relationship’ hahahahahha.  And I dont know if I want it or not anymore.  Ugh, I’m the queen of hurting people. 

And on another note, everyones moving away.  And one of my best friends might be moving like 10 hours away, oh boy!  (note the scarcasm)  Whatever, its not like I ever see the kid anymore.  I miss when we used to be attached at the hip, not exactly what happened when we hung out that much, haha, but just the fact that we used to hang out that much.  Whatever, theres not much I can do.  Things change and so do people, life goes on anyways.  I still love the kid to death, becuase they’re my best friend, and I dont ever want anything else (contrary to popular belief, haha)

www.myspace.com/carawae «—go listen to their new CD becuase it’s amazing.

“you see I got this problem I need help tryna solve it cos meeting after meeting and I’m still a cookie whore you can hide them, Imma find them, on the counter, in the closet and I’ll say I ain’t do it with my face covered in chocolate”

oh!  and i have someone else’s hair in my head.  hahaha, and I love my extentionssss. dsfhsdkjfhdsklj :P

its better to recive than to give, or is it the other way around?

It’s Christmas, and I’ve never been this not-excited.  I guess the older you get the less exciting it is, oh well.  So, I’m finally kick-less, but i got my new touchy beautiful touhy touchy phone, hahahaha.  Thank god!  But the only downside is I dont know how to make my own ringtones for texts, if someone knows how to do that on a G-1, hit me up.

So, I keep on going up in candy land, one spot after another, fuck yes!  (hahaha I love old inside jokes)  I think I might actually win, I haven’t won when Iwanted to win candy land in like years.  I just got really close then kicked back to start, fuck that.  But I’m almost there, I give it one more week until I finally win.  [:

I am not excited for my family party today not one bit, Being stuck in a room with a bunch of slutty crackheads does not sound fun, and it’s not.  Whatever, they better have cake!  And not just turkey, becuase even if I wasn’t a vegetarian I wouldn’t be able to eat it without throwing up, unless my mom cooked it.

I need to go shower.

“ho ho hopefully this holiday will make us believe that we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be and we’re ho ho hoping that we all come back and as a matter of fact I know we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be together by this Christmas tree”

a 2*bittersweet ending.

A chapter of my life is over, and a big chunk missing.  I know it shouldn’t mean as much as it does, but it does.  2*sweet is done and over with, and at the last show I was the only one not to cry.  But I can understand why everyone else was crying, that was something that meant alot of all of us.  That band is the reason I have some of my best friends out of state, and they have infuenced and changed my life more than imagineable.  All I want to do is say thanks, thanks to Jusitn, Dave, Pete, Andy, and Dan for bringing me and my friends closer and giving us something to do for the weekend and something to travel for (OK-20!).  Even though I’m sure I’ll see some of my closest friends that I met through 2*sweet shows still, I’m not sure about the others.  And what a blow that is, even though i hate them at times, i still love them becuase of how long I’ve known them.  Thanks peeps [:.  I never planned on staying friends with any of the guys in the band becuase as it has been said some of them I guess had a hard time breaking the fan/band barrier, fuck that.  Eh, oh well, not much I can do and not much I care to do.  I still have not cried and do not plan on it.

I am winning in the boys department.  I met a new cute boy and were talking and shit.  Thank god becuase I deffinatly needed this ego-booster.  But now its all cool, and speaking of guys I have realized that they are fucking liars.  Goddamnit!  Why the fuck would you tell all of your friends a lie when theyre my friends too and we talk about that shit?  Fucking idiot.  Ahsdgkjasdkfjgafghjasfa.  I needed to get out my frustration on my keyboard, hahaha.

So, in like 2 hours I go to hell.  I have a doctor’s appt at planned parenthood and it is not going to be fun and I’m scared to go and I dont want to and UGHHH.  But whatever, I dont care.  I need to go, hahaha.

 ”how could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo just remember that you talking to me yo you need to watch the way you talking to me yo I mean after all the things that we been through I mean after all the things we got into and yo I know of some things that you aint told me ayo I did some things but that’s the old me”

fucking kill me, ughhh.